Tyler Flashback

Yesterday I had a flashback while spending the day painting the pillars and screen dividers on the front porch. Tyler – at least in spirit - was HERE.

For 18 years Tyler was our loyal Australian shepherd. A muscular, handsome outdoor dog, he claimed our 25 acres as his turf the minute he set foot on it as a tiny puppy. He was probably the most intuitively intelligent, relational, consistently optimistic, and forgiving animal I’ve ever known.

He was a fixture on our property, and although he’s been gone for two years, his memory still lingers. I can easily fool myself and think he’s still here. Sometimes I imagine I catch glimpses of him strolling around the corner of the house; trotting up the driveway; rolling in the yard; wandering through the tall grass to get down to the creek. And when I drive up the driveway, I still expect him to come bounding off the porch to greet the car. For just a split second yesterday I thought I heard his bark…but no, when I was honest it was obviously some other dog. Tyler’s bark will never be duplicated.

The last time I was with him in July of 2007 I gently cupped his muzzle with both hands and stroked his nose with my thumbs while gazing into his cataract-glazed brown eyes. He had a way of resting his head in my grip and looking back at me with an expression that said everything you might want a human to say: I love you; I respect you; I want to be with you; I give myself totally and unreservedly to you.

Tyler disappeared one day when we were gone, and never returned. We assume he passed away since he’d been diagnosed a couple of months before with an early stage of heart valve disease, or else was hit by a car he couldn’t see. Unfortunately we never discovered his body or any signs of when or how he died. It has been hard to not have closure; to not know the details of his passing and whether it was swift or laborious.

His legacy remains, and as long as I’m here at this property, I expect that to continue. Something of his jaunty outlook and unquestioning fidelity rubbed off on me, and an intangible Tyler-ness lingers here in his favorite haunts. I’m grateful for these moments of flashback, and even for the longing that sweeps over me; the desire to feel his gentle nose on my hand as I walk, and then to reach over and ruffle his shaggy neck one more time.