T-Rex and Being Still

In my mind’s eye, tinnitus has become some screeching T-rex intent on my destruction. (Rather than reading T-rex as Tyrannasaurus Rex, try Tinnitus Rex. A fitting name, I think, given its volume and pitch.) After 37 years of continuous, escalating noise and developing perspective checks and coping skills - praying for healing, and pretending (there’s the stiff upper lip thing) to live normally while face-to-face with T-rex - I’ve given in. I can’t do it anymore.

The bone spurs in my fingers were the last straw, the catalyst showing me I can’t fight T-rex with activity. Busyness worked reasonably well as a T-rex diffuser in the past, since overt activity requires focusing away from the inner noise. Many online tinnitus resources emphasize this very thing – the importance of being busy and productive. When I discovered a couple of days ago I couldn’t even fold fitted bed sheets or wrap a birthday gift without excruciating pain in my left pinky, I realized I’m done. I don’t have any ammunition left.

But maybe that’s a good thing. During a recent stint of 24 hours spent entirely alone, a day ending yesterday evening spent in total isolation here at the lake except for a couple of phone calls from Fritz, I wasn’t eaten alive by T-rex. In fact, the figurative monster just stood there that whole time, sizing me up with his blinking reptilian eyes, screeching and roaring his usual insults inside my head in an attempt to drown out whatever sanity I might try to muster…but he didn’t advance and conquer. I was waiting for him to pursue my total destruction, and yet it didn’t come.

This is curious. It would seem so much stalking and breathing-down-my-throat and perpetuating auditory terror would end in conquering. I was ready for it, having thought for a long time that it could happen, especially because of stories about people with ongoing tinnitus who ended up clinically depressed or even suicidal. I’ve fought against such ends, and trusted God for protection, and yet when I found myself washed up and quite literally out of resources to fight I was surprised T-rex didn’t finish the job. I guess that means God was doing His, even in the midst of my melt-down.

Yesterday just the two of us (T-rex and I) were sitting lakeside on a very calm and sunny day surrounded by peaceful dragonflies and minnows, while puffy clouds floated by. T-rex hovered all around, stomping and wheezing as usual, pressing his intense and dagger-like noises deep into my heart and soul while I just sat, not running or resisting or even hoping or praying, but just being.

The spiritual implications? Of course God was there, too. I told myself to, “Be still (raphah) and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Be composed in the face of potential disaster because of the faithful character of God. Know that the Enemy strikes terror in the hearts of men, and yet GOD IS. That is enough. Lord, help me know this.