Emptiness

About a month ago, I ran across a quote from Mother Theresa (I may have mentioned it already in this blog, I’m not sure). She said something about how the down-in-the-mouth twins, namely Discouragement and Disappointment, are primarily an issue of pride. We wouldn’t become discouraged or disappointed IF we had rock-solid faith our Lord Jesus is in charge of our lives, and IF we were accordingly (and humbly) submitted to Him. Conversely, when plowing ahead under our own steam (essentially when pridefully assuming we can control things better than the Lord of Life) and our hopes/plans go awry, we feel like throwing in the towel.

That’s a biggie. And yet it rings true with me simply because I know from personal experience that peace – the real gutsy kind, when I melt inside and truly REST – comes in the midst of relinquishment to Him.

At the risk of making excuses, it seems increasing age is a huge factor in upping the potential for another “dis” work - dis-enchantment - if only because we become comparatively weaker, more vulnerable, emotionally volatile, and just plain weary. However, when seen through Mother Theresa’s eyes, this also means seniors are actually enabled because of their lack of stamina to revert to attributes of childlikeness (Jesus’ goal for the disciples that I keep coming back to in Matthew 18:1-5), and thus depend on God’s strength and guidance.

So right now I have opportunity to put my faith to the test. If I were compared to a big industrial-sized coffee pot, it feels as if my coffee (motivation, energy, optimism, strength) has been all poured out, down to the last drop. (By the way, the old Maxwell House commercials used to talk about “good to the last drop” which I suppose could also apply, since events in my past – even the hard sacrifices and sufferings - have ended up being good in the sense of teaching me to live by, and in, God’s grace). Not only that, but the empty pot is sitting on the burner, scalded and stinky and very HOT.

Not that the whole mess can’t be scrubbed out and cleaned up, and new coffee dripped, so the pouring-out can continue. It can, and will, because I bear witness to past supernatural recoveries and re-fillings. My hurdle seems to be a matter of expecting God to handle the maintenance chores, and LETTING HIM be a sovereign God instead of trying to make the coffee myself when I’m out of beans.

Also, I hit the skids and struggle to cope with my tinnitus when the pot empties out like this. Then the panic descends, and I feel filled up with rocks, and the everyday investment of myself (the pouring-out) turns into abrasive grating and grinding.

Katie and Nathan (and Josie) will arrive later today, and yesterday Emily loaned us her extra queen-sized bed for them – all blessings. Freddy contacted the AC guy to see about repairing the recent installation mistake, and trouble-shooting any additional damages to the furnace, and he’s already out here with a crew – another blessing. John called his dad on the phone last night for Father’s Day, and Fritz was cheered-up and encouraged afterwards (a blessing since he, too, is feeling relatively empty). Compared to much of the world, we are safe, well fed, showered with abundance, and well-loved in tangible ways.

So here’s my self-accountability challenge. I want to focus on God, what God is doing, and my response to Him in these rather exhausting circumstances - rather than submitting myself to my own rocky mistrust, and the inner grinding that only serves to wear me down into deadened particles of sand.