Vocab Lesson

Give-and-take is hard to learn, especially when you’re three years old and see life mostly through your own self-oriented lens.  But today my very young companion and I tackled the concept of deference.

“I have an important new word I’d like to teach you,” I said while driving down the road after our weekly story hour at the library.

“What is it?” she replied with genuine interest from her spot in the back seat.

“Defer.”

“Deee-fer?” She said the word carefully, as if rolling it around on her tongue and tasting it.

“Yes.  DEFER.”

“DEFUUUR,” she repeated.

“Want to know what it means?”

“Yes.  I do.”

“Well, to defer means to let go of something you want when you know someone else wants the same thing.  Like today at story hour when Harper wanted the stuffed Grinch toy to sit next to her on the floor, and you wanted him to sit next to you in a chair.  Remember?  I asked you to not fight about it, but to let her have him this time.” I watched her face in the rear-view mirror.

“Oh.”  The sober reply came as a whisper.

“But it works both ways,” I continued, “because at snack time when you wanted the one-and-only foil juice pouch, both Harper and Sydney happily agreed to be satisfied the other option - smaller, less-fun-looking juice boxes - and didn't argue with you.”

“Yeah.”  Another whisper.

Once we arrived home I offered to read library books we’d checked out. “Pick out a book while I put my coat away, okay?”

When I reappeared from the closet, she said, “I want the one with the picture of the baby lamb and the little boy on the front.”

“Okay!  But wait, I’ll be right back – I forgot I need to check something first.”

She was sitting on the couch when I returned, and the books were spread out on the chest we use as a coffee table. I sat down next to her, ready to read the book she’d suggested. 

“No, no,” she insisted when I reached for it.  “NO! I defer to you, Nana.  You pick which book we read first.  I want you to choose.”  This was said softly, but with a sparkle in her eye as if she knew full well what she was doing.

“OH!  How WONDERFUL!  Thank you!  And you know what? I feel like you really love me when you defer to me!” I exclaimed. 

“I DO love you,” she replied, wiggling her whole body.  "I DO!"

As I reached for my choice of book, which was intentionally different from hers, I thought it truly WAS wonderful – an early step into a relational arena where deference will only become more and more necessary, but also more and more rewarding as she grows to learn the depth and breadth (and reward) of love laced with self-sacrifice.