“God is
everywhere. There is no place God is not…You cry out to Him, ‘Where art Thou,
my God?’ And He answers, “I am present, my child! I am always beside you.’
“Both inside
and outside, above and below, wherever you turn, everything shouts, ‘God!’
“In Him we
live and move. We breathe God, we eat God, we clothe ourselves with God.
Everything praises and blesses God. All of creation shouts His praise.
Everything animate and inanimate speaks wondrously and glorifies the Creator.
Let every breath praise the Lord!”
- Elder Joseph
the Hesychast
* * *
Whenever a door closes on a season of life, another opens to
new realities. Such seems the case as I journey from one era of degenerative
hearing into another.
The iffy vista of continued loss seems dubious and uncertain. And yet divine mystery is the greatest reality - mystery beyond my
own feeble understanding that overcomes temporal lack, something to be embraced more than feared or resisted.
Doors representing transitional passage often do not shut
and fling open overnight. For me, the closure
of normal hearing began 43 years ago with malfunctions that compounded over time. Auditory erosion has been part of my life for decades, and yet because of recent significant escalation, I can no longer pretend effectively or fake my way.
When this particular door of change finally swung wide, on the other side I found complicated, debilitating
impairment.
In this place I hear fewer and fewer tones, especially those used for
communicative speech, and sounds I do hear are often harsh and grating:
hyperacussis. Water from the faucet
drums a deafening chorus of painful rasps when it hits the bottom of the
sink. Crinkling tissue paper resembles
the clash of overlapping, slashing knives. At the same time, tinnitus blares
incessantly inside my head like overlapping referee whistles, taunting my sanity. Together these threaten to literally drive me crazy.
However, a profound mystery unfolds at the same time. In the midst of these challenges, God is present. Although
I have recently stumbled and tripped over distress, I have not fallen to despair, but continue to walk forward into His mystery. In any case He
will not abandon me, and whatever lies ahead
is not accidental but purposeful. He is
in it. I am fractured, and yet whole by virtue of being
wholly His.
I sit here in the middle of the dark night punching computer keys, inwardly longing to live well and not waste my suffering. While navigating this very personal
disability - one that is challenging for other people to understand - I hope to grasp
intimacy with the Father and walk into future tomorrows on hallowed ground. I am broken and weary, and yet I am His. He presence is my greatest and loudest reality.
“Creation
is…God's presence in creatures. The Greek Orthodox theologian Philip Sherrard
has written that, 'Creation is nothing less than the manifestation of God's
hidden Being.' This means that we and all other creatures live by a
sanctity that is inexpressibly intimate, for to every creature, the gift of
life is a portion of the breath and spirit of God.”
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