In my experience, inner darkness and its variant shades
of gray can remain unrecognized for years.
Even decades. There is a norm, perhaps from birth, that is accepted…and
yet dark. Then one day a shaft penetrates
to chase away misconceptions. Everything changes.
In this way, I’m beginning to see distinctively.
Such illumination can happen slowly as with the advent of dawn,
suddenly as with zipper-flashes of light in the sky followed by thunder, or
dramatically, as with recent 4th of July fireworks viewed from our pier.
In any case, something critical changes. What was merges with what is, lending perspective
to what will be. A veil lifts. I have experienced an ongoing spiritual dawn
for years now, and even a few bolts out of the blue. However, I never expected this.
In the last few days my heart and soul have been struck by lightning. I’ve been re-grounded.
I might have missed it (how odd to think of overlooking something
as bold as lightning or as prominent as fireworks) if I’d not been divinely gifted with generous measures of holy grace and the sensitive heart of a poet. As it is, the ‘whys’ of current difficulties
have emerged - zap! ka-boom! - to be addressed and resolved in higher, better,
and more lasting ways than previously envisioned. Eternal, and yet very present and real, ways.
In the past, I’ve wrestled with, and tried to remodel, the hard
things in life – with God’s help, of course. Call it prayerful self-management,
if you will. This is not the answer. In so doing, sticky tentacles ultimately enfolded
and squeezed me as if to maim and disable my spirit. I have remained somewhat trapped, with one foot in
the door of faith leading to freedom. I wasn't sure how to walk through that
door, to relocate internally.
A man who battled sinister effects from pituitary cancer, and a host of other painful challenges, has disclosed to me what he calls "the secret." His way looks radical to us, this total desire-turned-craving for
God that illumined the hearts of the early church fathers. It is radical, like dawn, or lightning, or fireworks.
I’m talking about living out divine love in the everydayness of life. Being lovestruck, weak-kneed, and overcome by His love.
Honestly, this historical perspective of Christianity has been largely
discarded as too mystical. We’re all
about being modern and contemporary, and intellectual. We also strive to be likeable, and tolerant. Unfortunately
in doing so we may leave out the intended essence of Christian experience: deep inner
healing.
Humility and obedience before God are simple and
uncomplicated, but require effort: honest disclosure, ongoing repentance, and implicit
trust. No lip service. When I turn from preoccupation with circumstantial
pain or anxiety to humility before the Lord – the life-giving kind of humility that bows
in reverent awe and enables moment-by-moment joy – I wake up to see what was unrecognizable before: He
truly is in charge. LIGHT!
Then
it is possible to rest, to maintain a state of unforced, continual, joyful,
intentional worship. As I actively trust
Him with the life He has given me on earth with its myriad of details
(including uncomfortable disability), I find peace that was there all along but
hidden behind my own smokescreen of control, my own egotism. My own doing-it-right. My subtle dominance, even over the One who
granted me life in the first place.
This is only a start, and so late in life! And yet I am grateful to begin again with a focus to pursue the Lord even more earnestly and personally, especially in deep soul-crevasses eager for Light.
I pray that I may not lose this perspective! Lord have mercy!
* * *
“Humility is from God; it is something essential for the
human soul. It is something organic. And
if it is missing, it is as if the heart were missing from the human
organism. The heart gives life to the
body and humility gives life to the soul….
“There are other eyes, the eyes of the soul. With the eyes of the body you can see within
a certain range, but with the eyes of the soul you can see the dark side of the
moon.”
- Saint Porphyrios, Wounded
by Love
